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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24481978">Diving in the Hudson</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimesBeingWhatTheyAre/pseuds/TimesBeingWhatTheyAre'>TimesBeingWhatTheyAre</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Growing Up (and the ways it hurts) [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>How I Met Your Mother</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Tag, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, Light Angst, Season 5 Spoilers, h/c, so5317 Of Course, tw</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:29:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,215</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24481978</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimesBeingWhatTheyAre/pseuds/TimesBeingWhatTheyAre</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Aka Barney Stinson has a heart (and it's ten shades of broken)</p><p> </p><p>Follow up to 5x17 'Of Course'</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Robin Scherbatsky/Barney Stinson, Ted Mosby &amp; Barney Stinson, mentioned</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Growing Up (and the ways it hurts) [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1772482</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>72</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Diving in the Hudson</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“-so that’s why I had to jump in the river,” Barney finished explaining, and the police woman rolled her eyes, and handed over the small slip of paper.</p><p>“Well, I hope it was worth the 500 dollar fine,” she said blankly, and Barney grinned up at her weakly.</p><p>“So can I go now? Pretty please?” he asked, and she gave him a look that was part disapproval and part arousal (okay, so he might have been making up the arousal part. It could possibly have been something closer to exasperation, or perhaps anger).</p><p>Barney smiled up at her winningly.</p><p>“We’re done here,” she sighed, turning away and walking back to her co-workers, promptly forgetting about the idiot that had jumped in the river for a stupid promise.</p><p>Behind her, Barney’s smile dropped instantly.</p><p>He didn’t bother moving, looking out at the quickly moving water as it sped past, and pulled the blanket closer around him. It was an ugly colour, and usually he wouldn’t allow himself to be caught dead in it, but he really was cold tonight.</p><p>His expensive suit was still dripping from the dirty river water, likely ruined (and he wouldn’t be able to cope with wearing it again anyway). Barney barely felt it.</p><p>He had almost died. Again.</p><p>It hadn’t been all that long ago that he had been in hospital after being hit by that bus, and now he really had been lucky to survive. He knew he ought to feel happy to be alive, or scared, or upset, but in reality he didn’t feel anything.</p><p>He wished suddenly for a scotch, or a beer, or something to down that would stop his stupid brain from ticking, and his heart from feeling so numb, but he was still stuck by the riverside and there really wasn’t that much choice of bars where he was.</p><p>The river continued to flow, dark and bewildering, and Barney wondered idly how much longer it would have taken for it to pull him down into its depths and-</p><p>“Barney?” a voice said from behind.</p><p>Barney startled back into reality, promptly blocking out the train of thought he had been heading down, and looked up in shock to see Ted.</p><p>Ah yes. His emergency contact.</p><p>“Ted, how lovely to see you!” Barney grinned widely, stretching the smile over his face to hide his thoughts from his best friend.</p><p>Ted rolled his eyes, looking down at his sodden friend with a bit of curiosity and no small amount of anger. “What the hell Barney? Why do I need to come bail your ass out of yet another bad decision?”</p><p>“Well, you see, there was this girl in the river, and she was drowning and so I simply had to help her and-“</p><p>“Cut the crap Barney,” Ted interrupted with a glare.</p><p>Barney blinked in mock innocence. “But Ted, I’m telling the truth! I wouldn’t lie about a hot girl!”</p><p>“Barney I- no, you know what, I don’t even care. Get yourself home,” Ted tossed Barney a fed-up look, and turned to go, and suddenly Barney knew with certainty that if he was left alone, he was going to jump over that railing again.</p><p>And this time there’d be no one around to report it.</p><p>“Ted, wait!” Barney instinctively cried out, and Ted stopped at something edging on desperation in Barney’s voice. “Don’t- can I stay over tonight?”</p><p>“What? Why? Your place isn’t that far,” Ted argued, not bothering to turn back around.</p><p>“You have alcohol!” Barney blurted out, the smile slipping away the more he tried to grab hold of it. He shivered, and pulled the blanket closer.</p><p>“So do you!” Ted retorted, turning to face Barney, and the rest of his arguments slipped out of his head as he saw his friend looking down at the ground, soaking wet and shivering from the cold.</p><p>“Barney…fine, come to mine. You can sleep on the couch,” Ted caved, and Barney tried to paste on a happy grin, and mostly failed.</p><p>“Thanks,” he said quietly, and Ted looked at him a little closer at the subdued tone. Barney made to stand, and stumbled a little, and Ted quickly darted forwards and grabbed his arms.</p><p>“Woah there! Don’t want to take a second dive, right?” he joked nervously, wrapping an arm around his friend, who leant into it instinctively.</p><p>“…no,” Barney mumbled, and it wasn’t until later that Ted knew it was mostly a lie.</p><p>“Hey, I’ll get a cab, okay?” Ted smiled, walking forwards and pulling Barney alongside.</p><p>Barney remained strangely quiet the whole way back to the bar and Ted’s apartment, only bothering to crack one joke as they passed by the small crowd at McClarins, and Ted had to help him up the stairs quite a bit.</p><p>“So how did you end up in the river?” Ted finally asked, his earlier annoyance at Barney’s usual tricks being eclipsed by his curiosity.</p><p>“Um- I was rescuing a drowning puppy?” Barney tried weakly, and Ted rolled his eyes.</p><p>“The truth, Barney,”</p><p>“I tripped?” Barney tried, and Ted sighed, finally opening the door to his apartment.</p><p>“I don’t believe that either,” he said, walking Barney over to the couch, and then striding over to his room to grab some old sweatpants and a t-shirt.</p><p>“Hey, you don’t mind that it’s not a suit, right?” Ted yelled from his room, walking back into the room and seeing Barney’s slumped form straighten into his usual posture. Barney pasted a smile back on his face.</p><p>“I’ll settle for your inferior clothing,” he mocked quietly, and stood up, with great effort.</p><p>“Where are you going?” Ted questioned, and Barney raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“The bathroom, Ted,” he deadpanned, and shuffled across the room, leaving a small trail of river water as he went. Ted winced at the thought of clearing it up.</p><p>He walked into the kitchen and grabbed two beers, taking the cap off one and taking a swig, then walking back to the sofa to wait for Barney to emerge.</p><p>Barney changed as quickly as he could, expecting to feel horrified as he put on the worn clothing, but he was too tired to care much. It was enough effort trying to keep up normal conversation with Ted, never mind avoiding how exactly he’d ended up in the river in the first place.</p><p>He peered at his face in the mirror, trying to see how dirty it was, and suddenly remembered Robin’s tears earlier, and how apparently she’d been crying a lot since their breakup and he hadn’t even noticed.</p><p>Barney hated a lot of things about himself. As he stared into the mirror, he suddenly realised that he hadn’t been completely truthful with his thought.</p><p>He mostly just hated himself.</p><p>He closed his eyes, a bitter smile curling onto his face, and turned away from the mirror, sick of pretending his ego was actually massive instead of pretty much non-existent, but forced his face to return to its blankness before he exited the room.</p><p>“Thanks for the clothes,” he said to Ted, who looked up from the couch and began laughing at the sight of him.</p><p>“That looks ridiculous!” Ted laughed, and Barney tried to shake off the stab of hurt he felt. He wished suddenly that he was back in his suit, wet and ruined or not.</p><p>“Thanks,” he mumbled, and Ted looked up, his smile fading as he caught sight of Barney’s expression, and realised he had actually hurt his friend.</p><p>“Sorry, I wasn’t trying to-“</p><p>“Don’t worry,” Barney smiled tiredly, and sat down next to Ted. “If you don’t mind, I’m going to sleep,”</p><p>“Oh, okay,” Ted replied, a frown creasing his forehead as he examined Barney properly, seeing the bags of exhaustion under his eyes and the slight blankness of his stare. “But… Barney, you’d tell me if you weren’t alright, wouldn’t you?”</p><p>“You’re my best friend, Ted. I tell you more than anyone,” Barney replied, and Ted stood up, appeased, then suddenly remembered.</p><p>“Hey, wait, you didn’t tell me how you ended up in the river!” Ted realised, looking down at Barney.</p><p>Barney sighed.</p><p>“Can we just leave it, Ted?” he asked honestly, and Ted blinked, feeling a little off-centre.</p><p>“Come on, I came and got you, and I’m letting you stay over, so telling me is the least you can do,” Ted cajoled, expecting a story that was a little bit wild and adventurous, like most of Barney’s stories were.</p><p>“It’s really not that exciting,” Barney said, and Ted frowned, sitting back down on the sofa next to Barney, eyeing the way that his friend’s hands were tightly clasped together in distress.</p><p>He began to get a little worried.</p><p>“Barney, how did you end up in the Hudson?” Ted asked.</p><p>“You have to promise not to tell anyone,” Barney warned, and Ted looked up, meeting his eyes for what seemed like the first time all evening.</p><p>“I promise,” Ted swore, and Barney sighed.</p><p>“Well- I jumped,” Barney admitted.</p><p>“What?” Ted reacted, sitting forwards and staring at Barney in horror. “What do you mean, you jumped?”</p><p>“It was just to get my mind off- Anita,” Barney rolled his eyes, trying to play it off, and put his hands under his blanket so they couldn’t betray him by shaking.</p><p>“Barney, that’s-“ Ted’s mind was whirring, trying to piece together what he’d just heard with the Barney he knew.</p><p>“Barney, you weren’t- you didn’t want to die, did you?” Ted whispered, and Barney winced.</p><p>“No, I was just trying not to break my promise-“</p><p>“Please don’t lie to me. Not about something like this,” Ted said, leaning forwards and staring into Barney’s face as the latter bit his lip and desperately tried to make it sound better.</p><p>“I’m not Ted, I’m not-“</p><p>“Wait, is this why you asked to stay here? Barney- are you- is everything alright?” Ted finally asked, putting a few of the pieces together and noticing the slight tremble that had begun in Barney’s shoulders.</p><p>“Everything’s fine Ted, I’m always fine!” Barney laughed, but there was something off in his laugh that Ted could just about hear. “I’m always fine,”</p><p>The shaking became more pronounced, and Ted leaned forwards, wrapping his arms tightly around Barney, and forcing the man to stay on the couch as tears began to drip down his face.</p><p>“Barney, it’s going to be okay,” Ted said quietly into his friend’s ear, holding on and allowing Barney to bury his head into Ted’s shoulder and cry, silently at first, and building up into stronger sobs that ripped their way out of his throat.</p><p>“I’m sorry- I didn’t want- you to see me like this,” Barney cried, clinging on to Ted’s shoulders and muffling his words in the soft fabric. Ted heard anyway.</p><p>“It’s okay, Barney, it’s okay,” Ted comforted, still not entirely certain what the issue was, but he wasn’t about to abandon his friend after what he’d just heard. Barney just cried harder, his tears soaking into Ted’s t-shirt until it seemed like he was too exhausted to continue.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Barney whispered again, and Ted felt his heart hurt at the defeated look on his usually exuberant friend’s face.</p><p>“Barney, why did you jump?” Ted asked softly, his arms still around Barney as the man stiffened and looked for an escape. A moment later, he collapsed back into his seat, too tired and weak to get out of the situation.</p><p>“I- I know I’m annoying. I know I complain, and whinge, and I use women and I’m the outsider. You guys care about each other and I’m just- expendable,” Barney’s voice broke on the last word, and he swiped a fist angrily over his eyes as Ted sat there, stunned.</p><p>“No, Barney, that’s not true-“</p><p>“Really?” Barney laughed harshly, and Ted drew back to grab his shoulder and make him listen.</p><p>“Barney. I care if you die. So, please don’t ,” Ted began firmly, but it was his turn to blink off tears by the end of the sentence.</p><p>“Ted, I don’t deserve to be your friend,” Barney whispered, and Ted immediately shot back.</p><p>“Yes, you do. I’m sorry I was such a jerk earlier. You’re my best friend Barney, and I’ll pick you up from anywhere if it means that you- stay alive,” Ted promised, and Barney blinked like he didn’t quite believe it.</p><p>“I mean it,” Ted insisted quietly, and Barney sniffed wetly, leaning back into Ted’s warmth as the two of them sat there in silence, reeling from the events of the evening.</p><p>Barney couldn’t bring himself to believe Ted’s words. But- he thought that maybe Ted wasn’t completely lying.</p><p>The thought brought a small smile to his face, the first real smile he’d had in quite a while. It really had been a long year.</p><p>“Okay,” he whispered to Ted, who snored loudly in response.</p><p>Barney snorted quietly, leaning slowly back against the sofa and closing his eyes. Ted didn’t change. Barney hadn’t changed all that much either, not over the course of a single night, but he’d shared some of his feelings with a friend, for the first time. He allowed himself to fall asleep finally, right there on the couch next to Ted, and felt something he hadn’t felt for years.</p><p>The beginnings of hope.</p>
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